Max, do you read...?
99!
What happened to your radio?
I swallowed it. I can get it back, but you may not want it.
- Good Lord. - Listen...
...I've placed charges at points all over the building.
What? Max, you can't blow up a building full of radioactive material!
I know that, 99. I've placed only enough charges to safely bury the weapons lab.
Max, that's brilliant.
Wow. That's maybe the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
[GUNFIRE]
[BEEPING]
[GROANING]
- I don't get it, I thought he was dead! - I will say this, he is not a quitter.
This is just ridiculous!
99!
Wake up, 99.
Maybe you should kiss him again.
Wait, I know that voice. The chatter! Dalip.
[YELLS]
Ow! That was me!
- Max? - I'm... Yep, still fighting.
Now, Dalip, I can prove that I know you. Your favorite dish is chicken tikka!
Like me, you enjoy American Top 40 with Ryan Seacrest.
[GROANS]
Ow.
Wait, wait, Dalip, there's something else that I know.
Max. Max.
Your marriage is in trouble. Your darling wife, Zeenat, is leaving you.
But there is still hope.
Do you love her?
- Wha...? - Then show her. Go home for lunch.
Take her with you the next time you go to kill someone.
She just wants to be with you...
...and that means less time with her sister...
...who we both know is undermining your relationship.
Kick the gun to me.
99, please.
Big people feel pain too.
What are you doing?
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Max!
Okay. Okay. That's all right. That's okay.
[DALIP SOBBING]
Her sister's such a bitch.
- You all right? - Yeah. That was amazing.
Thank you.
We gotta go.
99.
- What was that? - I cramped up.
Come on. Come here.
Good idea.
We will climb up with you, and we'll all go... together.
MAX: He left us here.
What a douche.
Missed it by that much.
Well, that's convenient. Shoot them.
Whatever you do, 99, don't look down!
I'm gonna try to get us over to that ledge! We can do this, 99!
Max.
Right.
AGENT 99: Thanks, Chief.
Okay, no problem.
The Chief is thrilled. He sent 23 out to observe the cleanup.
Great.
Listen, is it possible that you could answer a personal question?
It's possible.
Why did you change your looks?
Oh. Um... That's not really a personal question.
Things from my non-work sphere spilled into my work sphere.
Facts became known, identities were compromised, and I became a brunette.
Wow. That is a great story...
...in which you revealed absolutely nothing about yourself.
I blew a mission.
I was involved with someone from work. I lost focus. The mission blew up.
I broke it off with that person, but my identity had already been revealed.
So I had two choices.
I could either spend the rest of my life behind a desk...
...which would be like eight hours a day...
...of scraping a cheese grater against my forehead.
- Oh, you know. - Yes.
Or I could change my face, so that's what I did.
And it was painful, but it needed to be done, and s...
- I don't wanna talk about this anymore. - Okay.
I used to look like my mom.
I used to look like two of my moms put together.
Sir, if I may ask...
...how did you choose the target?
- Why Los Angeles? - Major city...
...Iots of media attention...
...and the president will be there.
Still, it's too bad about all the dead movie stars.
Yes.
What will we do without their razor-sharp political advice?
Oh, my God, have you eaten the crew?
Oh, look, it understands.
Get back to work.
AGENT 99: No, that's not possible. No, no, no. Max said that...
No.
That doesn't make any sense.
Yellowcake uranium, warheads, an entire production line.
There's nothing here but what used to be a bakery.
There are no weapons? No radioactivity of any kind?
Nothing. I've swept the entire area, and it's clean.
- But Max said that he s... - Did you see the evidence yourself?
No.
No, every time he found something, he was alone.
What do you want me to do with Max?
- Do with Max? - Max?
You were right when you said I shouldn't trust you.
Give me the phone.
And who might this be? Siegfried?
Hello, Max.
Chief?
Knockout gas, 99?
Please. I have trained my body to be impervious to...
That's new stuff.
Oh, Max.
CHIEF: I'm very disappointed, Max.
I thought you and I were supposedly cut from the same cloth.
How can you think that I am a double agent?
You lied about finding evidence of radioactivity.
Killed Krstic before anybody could question him.
There's a matter of your stoving my head in with a fire extinguisher.
I said I was sorry. You just didn't hear me, because you were in a mini coma.
You've made CONTROL a laughingstock.
The vice president wants to shut us down, you know.
99.
This whole week...
...last night...
...you know me.
Apparently not.
Oh, my God!
You two? You and Max?
You said we had to break up because we work together.
Oh, my God! You and 23?
I am so sexually threatened right now.
[LINE RINGING]
MAN [ON RECORDING]: You have reached...
... the United States Department of Homeland Security.
For threats against the continental United States, press 1.
For threats against Hawaii, press 2. For threats against Puerto Rico...
[SHTARKER BREATHING NOISILY]
You know, you're the only human being I know who snores when he's awake?
If you're calling from a rotary...
Okay, today's threat assessment.
- There are 72 threats on the list. Mike? - Thank you, Mr. Vice President.
Okay, we have a deteriorating situation in Venezuela.
We have a deteriorating situation in Afghanistan.
What about the deteriorating situation in North Korea?
- I was getting to that. - When? Next week?
Yes, next Tuesday, right after I kick your ass.
Gentlemen, when we argue, the terrorists win.
Anyway, last night at a private dinner...
...President Kim Jong-il made a very odd threat to, and I quote:
"Make a pudding from the bones of Americans."
That guy's insane.
Doesn't he know bones are crunchy? Who'd want a crunchy pudding?
[PHONE RINGS]
War room.
Finally. My name is Siegfried, and I represent KAOS.
Over the past few months, we have assembled a stockpile of nuclear weapons...
... which we have distributed to 20 unfriendly, unstable dictators.
For the moment, KAOS retains the bomb activation codes...
...but we will release the codes unless our demands are met.
What are your demands?
200 billion dollars by 3 p.m.
200 billion dollars by 3 p. m?
You seem a bit slow.
- Is there someone else I can talk to? - Good one.
Look, Siegfried, we don't negotiate with terrorists...
...and you're obviously bluffing. Take a hike.
CHIEF: What? Are you kidding me?
You spent the morning talking about pudding, and you ignore a credible threat?
Credible? Come on. KAOS has been defunct for 20 years.
CHIEF: With all due respect, the CIA knows nothing about KAOS.
CONTROL has to be in charge here.
- Like when you bombed that bakery? - Muffins of mass destruction.
[MEN LAUGHING]
That's it! I've been waiting for this since Nixon.
- Here we go. - I got a new pacemaker, I can go all day!
- Okay! - Okay! Come on!
It seems like they don't believe you.
Which is why we've arranged for a little demonstration.
Chief, you wanted to see me?
Yes. You and 23 are coming with me to see the president.
- Can't you call him? - Vice president won't let me through.
I can't believe we have to go all the way to Los Angeles.
Why is the president never here?
I'm sure whatever he's doing is vital to the nation.
"Good night, moon.
Good night, cow jumping over the moon."
Actually, I think you would suck as my teacher.
Well, from wh...
Hey, Smart. Happy birthday.
I'm fat!
[BEEPING]
Gentlemen.
Oh. Good, the itchy kind.
My favorite.
Does this one also have smallpox?
[CLINKING]
And that was a human tooth.
MAN 1 [OVER RADIO]: American Top 40. WOMAN: With Ryan Seacrest.
MAN 2: Here's a sweet dedication from a little lady named Dalip.
It's to her boyfriend, Max.
"Meet me in L.A. Things will be very hot. Nuclear hot. "
I don't know, if I were Max, I would get myself to L.A.
[MADONNA'S "4 MINUTES" PLAYS ON RADIO]
Hey! Dumb guards!
Why don't you come in here so I can make you my pretty little girlfriends.
You'll have to shower for weeks!
[BEEPING]
But you will never get the smell off...
You two seem very angry.
Thank you, sir, may I have another?
I was kidding.
9-4-3-6-8.
[BEEPING]
9-4-3-6-8.
[DOOR CLICKS]
BRUCE: Turn around slowly.
Guys, you have to believe me. I am not a double agent.
- We never thought you were. - Yeah, we love you, man.
Then what's with the firearm and the freak-show expressions?
For the security cameras.
If it looks like we let you go, we'd totally get fired.
Got it.
So where are the Chief and 99?
They flew to L.A. to talk to the president.
I need to get out of here before someone stops me.
- Overpower us. - Good idea.
Bruce, I will smash you in the face.
- Thank you. - Lloyd, I'll simulate your disembowelment.
Ready? One...
Not yet! I haven't punched yet. React when I punch.
- Oh, yeah. - One...
...two, three.
- Wrong way. - Okay, wait.
- Sometimes I faint. - I'm not going to hit you.
No, but when I see blood, or when I talk about blood, or think about blood...
There will be no blood. Hang in there. Hang in, buddy.
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
What are you doing, dummkopf?
Running out in the middle of the road! You could get hit by a car!
Well, that was ironic.
PRESIDENT: Chief, I'm not buying it.
With all our satellites, there's no way anybody could possibly...
...have nuclear bombs that we wouldn't know about.
"Nuclear!"
- What's that? - Sorry.
AGENT 99: Mr. President, if I could just please show you some data, you'd agree...
Well, just back up here a second.
First thing I'd like to know is...
...what did the vice president say about this?
I'm afraid the vice president and I had a less-than-cordial encounter yesterday.
- Less-than-cordial, you say? - Yes, sir.
I'll say.
The chairman of joint chiefs sent me this little movie.
Put it right here on my cell phone.
Let me share this with you. This is my favorite part.
VICE PRESIDENT [ON VIDEO]: I got a new pacemaker, I can go all day!
[GROANING & CLATTERING ON VIDEO]
Oh, Chief.
Very sweet tackle.
Look. Look at the surprise on his face.
I probably owe you an apology for that, sir.
No. Please, just save your breath.
But I have to agree with that son of a bitch.
We cannot respond to every threat.
Case closed.
[PHONE RINGS]
Max?
MAX [OVER PHONE]: Hello, 99.
Trace 99's call, now!
- Where are you? - That's not important.
What is important is that KAOS has planted a bomb somewhere in Los Angeles.
We got him. He's still in Washington.
Listen, while I was in my cell, I had some time to think.
I realized that even though I was accused of something I didn't do, I was happy.
Because at least for a little while, I got to live my dream of being an agent.
And I got to be with you.
I learned that you have a mean right cross...
... you are almost as good a dancer as me...
- ... and you used to look like your mom. - Max.
Please, 99. All I'm asking is for you to look me in the eyes...
... and tell me that you don't feel something too.
MAN: Freeze!
Oh, Max. How could I look in your eyes?
Just turn around.
Why are you talking into your shoe?
The old "call forwarding from the shoe phone to the cell phone...
...so you don't know where I am, then I appear on the roof behind you...
...and surprise everyone" trick.
- Don't move. - What are you doing?
How did you get here?
[VOMITING]
Do you have another one of these?
It doesn't matter.
What matters is that there is a bomb, and I'm here to find it.
- How do you know this? - I'd rather not say.
CHIEF: Max, there are millions of lives at stake.
If you have credible information from a reliable source...
...I wanna know it, and I wanna know it now.
I heard it from America's sweetheart, Ryan Seacrest.
- Whoa. AGENT 23: Come on.
It was a coded message.
CHIEF: Max, we're running out of time here. What are you talking about?
I received a tip from a KAOS agent who I befriended at the bakery.
I think we should trust him, Chief.
AGENT 23: Absolutely, Chief. I'm with 99 on that one.
Every time I look at Max's puppy eyes, I'm a goner.
Oh, my God. You've really never had anyone break up with you, have you?
Chief, you said that you and I are alike.
That we are both old-fashioned men.
Well, I have an old-fashioned hunch.
I have a hunch that you have a hunch that I am telling the truth.
Max...
Any double agent who escapes from a high-security holding situation...
...only to fall into the arms of the people that got him in the first place...
...is either an idiot or not a double agent, and I don't think you're an idiot.
Thank you, Chief.
Now, we know that the president is in town.
- But what exactly is he doing here today? - Max.
- Yes. We need to find out his itinerary. - But, Max, the...
I know, 99. I need to go get a paper.
We're in position. More or less.
Roger. I have the whole security system online. Just remember...
Yes, we know. How about a little radio silence?
I wanna quit, but what can I do? He's married to my sister.
By the way, I reviewed the security tapes from the explosion at the bakery...
...and I know that you let those CONTROL agents get away.
So unless you do your job today...
...your lovely wife, Zeenat, will have eaten her last kebab.
Blue team, check for access violation at quadrant three, sector seven.
Copy that.
Go.
SHTARKER: That's it. You're there.
Door secure.
We need to get everyone out and shut this place.
We've swept the building.
The Secret Service doesn't make mistakes like the fabulous bakery boys.
Who told you about that? Who told you?
Take it easy. You'll give yourself a heart attack.
And this day will not include me blowing into your mouth.
- You want a piece of me? - Come on, Chief! he's not worth it.
- Hey. - I'm shaking. I'm shaking.
You better watch it.
CHIEF: Let me at him!
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
MAN [OVER RADIO]: From Los Angeles, California...
... we welcome you to a live broadcast...
... of our concert for the president.
Dignitaries from around the world have gathered.
We will be broadcasting from the Walt Disney Concert Hall throughout the evening.
MAX: There has got to be another way in.
Why are we even still here? There are 50 other perfect targets.
The Golden Gate Bridge, Space Needle. There's no chatter to support this.
And you know what, I'm done with this. Stop!
Wait a minute, 23. You're radioactive hot.
When were you exposed to radioactivity?
I just got back from Russia. Half the people there are radioactive.
The bakery.
You said you swept the area and everything was clean.
- I did, and it was. AGENT 99: Really?
Was there anyone else there, or do we just trust you?
23.
Your knife wound is seeping.
Sudden rise in blood pressure?
Perhaps you're nervous because there is a bomb here and you know it.
And what is with the briefcase? Could that actually be the football?
You mean the computer containing the bomb activation codes?
Exactly. I have no interest in a real football unless it is signed by Joe Montana...
...and I don't believe that's the case.
Well, 23?
You know what? We're out of time.
You follow us, she dies.
Stop this car!
Max! You idiot! What the hell is wrong with you?
You don't just slap your hands on a government vehicle!
All right, that's it! When we get back to Washington, you morons are through!
Damn it. How have you gotten away with this for so long?
I can't believe none of us saw it, especially me.
Don't beat yourself up. You'll be dead soon anyway.
Chief, he's heading southbound on Grand.
Thanks, Bruce. Keep us posted.
AGENT [OVER RADIO]: Hey! CONTROL assholes who just stole my vehicle!
I know you're listening! You two dickwads put one scratch on that car...
What was that?
Sorry, I'm losing you.
What the?
All right, fellas. 20 dollars if you hit the car.
MAX: Chief, I have to say, this whole thing really steams my clams.
I cannot get over the fact that 23 is a traitor.
Sand trap!
Now I know how you felt when you thought I was a traitor.
Tractor!
I don't know how I missed it. I'm usually very observant.
Swordfish!
MAX: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? CHIEF: I don't know.
Were you thinking, "Holy shit, holy shit, a swordfish almost went through my head?"
If so, yes.
Come on.
On behalf of the United States Government, I hereby commandeer this plane.
The device is armed. I hope you're moving.
Don't worry, sir. I'll be well clear.
BRUCE: Chief, they're headed southbound on l-47.
Thanks, Bruce. I got them!
I need to get down to that car!
No, no good. If I get too low, he'll hear me coming!
I have another idea.
What are you doing?
Get back in the plane! You're gonna kill yourself!
Hang on!
Hang on! We're going in!
[MAX SCREAMING]
Sorry, Max.
Tuesday's not gonna work. Cannot do Tuesday, I'm already...
- Mom! Mom! Mom! - Sean! Sean! Sean!
See how annoying that is?
See, this is your problem. Some men like women more feminine!
- I'm not feminine? - No.
I'm not feminine?
Freeze!
That was so cool.
Max!
Damn it to hell.
You know, I might be more help if you untie me!
There's a knife in my right front pocket!
[MAX LAUGHING]
Stop it! Stop it!
What?
That's not my knife! That's not my...
I got it!
No, 99, don't touch that!
Oh, my Lord.
Yeah! The kid's still got it.
AGENT 99: Max, hurry!
MAX: Hold on, 99!
Chief, we can't stop the car! We have the football, but we do not know the code!
We need to figure out something!
These tracks are taking us back downtown, towards the bomb!
We gotta get you out of there, and you won't survive the jump!
I'm coming to get you!
[AGENT 99 SCREAMS]
- Oh, God! - Hold on, 99!
It's not over, Max! I'll take that briefcase!
If you want it, you'll have to take it!
- That's what I just said! - I know, I'm just trying to annoy you!
[GROANING]
Unusual but effective.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
- You all right? - I'm fine!
Max!
Max, your foot!
- I wish we had more time! - What?
- Max! - No!
Oh, Max.
[SQUEAKING]
No. No!
I wish we had more time too.
MAX: So you did hear me?
Max?
But the train...
Missed it by that much.
"Operation Joy"?
The "Ode to Joy" will end with a bang.
[PERFORMING BEETHOVEN'S "ODE TO JO Y"]
- Chief! - Yeah, Maxie! Are you okay?
Listen, I think the final notes of the "Ode to Joy" trigger the bomb!
We have to stop the concert!
I'm on it.
[CLEARS THROAT]
My buttocks are really stinging from being dragged.
Hey, grandpa, I already told you...
Speak up, son. I'm an old man, you know.
[CLATTERING]
I like that tackling part.
MAX: I am so, so sorry about that.
Wait! No, no, let him go.
- There is a bomb. - Where?
Would you believe in the piano?
Whoa. How did we miss that? That is huge.
- Max. Was that...? - A total guess, yes, it was.
That old son of a gun can take a hit, huh?
- Do you think I should tell him? - No. Let's just savor the moment.
He's a funny son of a bitch, isn't he?
This is the proudest moment of my life!
Bomb not go off.
Oh, really, bright-eyes? What alerted you?
Was it no "Boom, boom," or the lack of a mushroom cloud?
It was the mushroom cloud for me.
Well, you did your job, so I suppose I can't kill your wife.
Although to be honest, I'd be doing the sighted world a favor.
[SCREAMS]
What good hang time, huh?
Yes, Mr. President. Thank you and goodbye, sir.
86, the President wanted me to convey his personal thanks...
...and to tell you how impressed he was with that dragged-by-a-train thing.
Well, sir, as an agent, I have trained myself to be impervious to pain.
[DOG BARKING]
Ah! Hey, it's Fang.
I wanted him to be a surprise.
99, please, nobody here knows that we're dating.
CHIEF: Yes, they do.
On the cheek.
- Let's go. - Maybe a little one?
Hey, new guy. Hold up a second. Welcome to CONTROL.
We have a tradition called "pick on the new guy." Here's how it works.
- We pick on the new guy. - And you can't do anything about it.
Let's try one.
- You dropped your pencil. - Did you hear the man?
I don't see a man, I see two little girls.
I think I'll call you Maureen, and you Brittany.
- New guy did not. - New guy did.
AGENT 91: Okay, new guy... LARABEE: I got this.
And I'm going to enjoy it.
That will make me happy, Maureen.
Maureen.
[DINGS]
Ow! What's in there?
- And just for the record. - What's in there?
[LARABEE SCREAMS]
My name is not "new guy."
My name is Hymie.
Now, if you ladies will excuse me.
This is gonna be so fun.
Make him high-five me.
Max, we're gonna be late.
Oh, Max. Let Maintenance take care of it.
Ah!
You've gotta be kidding me!
[ENGLISH SDH]